If you didn't know already, drinking copious amounts of “purified” water from plastic bottles makes you sick (because of the polybrominated diphenyl ethers (PDBE) that gets dissolved in the liquid). According to some recent research, “dust and other indoor sources” and eating meat can give you PDBE's.. so if you spend all day in a basement hacking banks, eating McyD's, and drinking Poland Springs, you're really set. For the meat thing I wonder what kinds? Texas Kobe beef or McDonald's half-cardboard stuff? Do the McFlurry spoons contain PDBE's? What about instant ramen?
There is a ton of plastic in our bodies now (US has the highest percentage in the world.. I'm surprised it's not Japan. They are all robots). So what does that mean for the future? We will be mostly plastic.
Wait... that's actually pretty cool. I want a cyber-brain and synthetic organs that don't shutdown from overexposure to alcohol. I want a drunk-mode application so I don't have to pay for booze. Actually, being plastic isn't that bad.
Nevermind, the future won't suck.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Wheelchairs Will Still Have Wheels
I've been thinking a lot lately about how much I hate walking. It sucks and it's bad for you. Seriously, who invented walking? We should all find whoever said, “I'm gonna make the easiest mode of travel for people decay their hip bones, ankle bones, and cause shin-splints,” and punch him/her in the face. And if it was a group of people we'll attach explosive collars to their necks and make them go Battle Royal on each other.
I'm really excited to get into a wheelchair. Yeah, yeah, I know you have to redesign your kitchen to have low-access cabinets, you can't have epic training montages running up and down stairs, and you can't do parkour. But people, this is the past, remember? In the future they'll have wheelchair's with insect legs. Like invaders have in Zim ... wait a second. If these legs that can move in any direction, balance, extend vertically up by three times their height, climb stairs, grab things, and double as paper-weights have been invented in the crazy mind of Jhonen Vasquez.. what are we waiting for?
OH NO!
In the future, wheelchairs will still have wheels!
QUICKLY! Someone with money get to work! Make a wheelchair that has legs, instead of wheels, or both even! Just don't restrict them to wheels. I've already worked out the schematics:
Okay? Make sense? Pretty simple, right? You can even use sticks.. I mean, I know it will be the future but come on! I'm desparate here! I really think my legs are going to be useless.. they might be useless right now.. but that's just because I've been drinking.. hrm.. You should probably also add a catheter and plug-in dialysis attachments.
I'm really excited to get into a wheelchair. Yeah, yeah, I know you have to redesign your kitchen to have low-access cabinets, you can't have epic training montages running up and down stairs, and you can't do parkour. But people, this is the past, remember? In the future they'll have wheelchair's with insect legs. Like invaders have in Zim ... wait a second. If these legs that can move in any direction, balance, extend vertically up by three times their height, climb stairs, grab things, and double as paper-weights have been invented in the crazy mind of Jhonen Vasquez.. what are we waiting for?OH NO!
In the future, wheelchairs will still have wheels!
QUICKLY! Someone with money get to work! Make a wheelchair that has legs, instead of wheels, or both even! Just don't restrict them to wheels. I've already worked out the schematics:
Okay? Make sense? Pretty simple, right? You can even use sticks.. I mean, I know it will be the future but come on! I'm desparate here! I really think my legs are going to be useless.. they might be useless right now.. but that's just because I've been drinking.. hrm.. You should probably also add a catheter and plug-in dialysis attachments.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Air Conditioning Will Be Extinct
Apparently using air conditioning in your car uses tons of energy. Also breaking news: Eating makes you poop.
So a bunch of guys with too much time are spending tons of money making thermo-aware-noncrashable-crashdummies (aka lobster. Black=not ready, red=ready, don't throw it against the wall because your school will suspend you for five days). They're coming up with crazy ideas like pulling electricity out of sound.
“Investigating ways to turn waste heat and ambient noise, generated by an engine, into usable energy. Thermal acoustics, for instance, uses sound waves to transform heat into usable electricity.”
WHAT? You can convert engine hum into electricity. Does that mean that in the future all our energy will come from preschools?
In the end, they'll realize the best way to keep people cool and reduce emissions is to not have AC at all. The roll-down-window-button still works so we're going to have to get used to using it. Or ride the bus/train.
Also, why the hell do journalists love making plot twists in articles? Seriously, leave twisty turny narrative to Frieza and his transformations, get to the point with your article. If people need a hook to give your article a chance, it must be too long. Wake up and smell the future! We've been in it for nine years!
So a bunch of guys with too much time are spending tons of money making thermo-aware-noncrashable-crashdummies (aka lobster. Black=not ready, red=ready, don't throw it against the wall because your school will suspend you for five days). They're coming up with crazy ideas like pulling electricity out of sound.
“Investigating ways to turn waste heat and ambient noise, generated by an engine, into usable energy. Thermal acoustics, for instance, uses sound waves to transform heat into usable electricity.”
WHAT? You can convert engine hum into electricity. Does that mean that in the future all our energy will come from preschools?
In the end, they'll realize the best way to keep people cool and reduce emissions is to not have AC at all. The roll-down-window-button still works so we're going to have to get used to using it. Or ride the bus/train.
Also, why the hell do journalists love making plot twists in articles? Seriously, leave twisty turny narrative to Frieza and his transformations, get to the point with your article. If people need a hook to give your article a chance, it must be too long. Wake up and smell the future! We've been in it for nine years!
1) Nanoterror in the Skies
Flying sucks already. If it's snowing, you're flight's going to be late. If it's raining, you're flight's going to be late. If there's a bunch of babies, you're flight's going to be late. You can't bring food and drinks from out of the airport (how are we supposed to enjoy the in-flight movie without movie popcorn and whiskey?), and the airport food price is jacked up PLUS McDonald’s doesn't have the 2-for-1 Apple Pie deal. There are never enough electrical outlets. Don't even start with the seats. No more peanuts. Criminal. But it's only 2009! With enough time I could think of a Declaration of Independence style doctrine about how much suck will be tasted in airports within ten years, but I don't know where to print stuff on hemp paper so I'm just going to focus on one thing: nano-terrorism.
I don't know what people are waiting for. Maybe our government doesn't think terrorists will ever be able to buy nanotech (obviously haven't seen 24, Season 14). Maybe someone's waiting for a scifi movie about it. Or maybe the people who make decisions don't want to pay to set up safety precautions until it's too late. Whatever it is, public air travel is not at all ready for nanobot attacks.
Once somebody figures out how to fill their body with flesh eating nanobots, or exploding ones, or mess-with-your-controls ones, the perfect form of plane sabotage will be achieved. Metal detectors won't pickup on silicon (or whatever material the bots will be made of) and there aren't any X-Rays, motion sensors, heat sensors . . . any kind of sensor that will pick up nanobots floating around in someone's blood stream, womb, or spleen.
So I've come up with a list that hopefully someone with important decision making clearance will read:
1) This one will be pretty uncomfortable but it might work: Force everyone to drink some kind of nanobot sensor liquid before flying. Something like that goop you have to drink before you go into that machine so that your organs light up.. whatever it's called.. but it will work to either outline nanobots by not lighting them up, or light only the bots up. I actually have no idea how this stuff works, I'm just holding a “What would Phillip K. Dick do?” ball and it's telling me to write these words down.
2) Create a nanobot sensor that can be installed at every airport security check in the world and won't impede the already mega-slow speed it takes to go through security. Hahaha! Funny.
3) Don't fly. Considering that lack of actually useful alternate fuels, the death of personal cars and rise of government funded, public transportation, and advances in superconducting bullet trains, the increasing cost of flight tickets, airplanes will be as outdated as 128MB flash drives.
That's this issue of How Much The Future Will Suck! Have fun living in the past!
I don't know what people are waiting for. Maybe our government doesn't think terrorists will ever be able to buy nanotech (obviously haven't seen 24, Season 14). Maybe someone's waiting for a scifi movie about it. Or maybe the people who make decisions don't want to pay to set up safety precautions until it's too late. Whatever it is, public air travel is not at all ready for nanobot attacks.
Once somebody figures out how to fill their body with flesh eating nanobots, or exploding ones, or mess-with-your-controls ones, the perfect form of plane sabotage will be achieved. Metal detectors won't pickup on silicon (or whatever material the bots will be made of) and there aren't any X-Rays, motion sensors, heat sensors . . . any kind of sensor that will pick up nanobots floating around in someone's blood stream, womb, or spleen.
So I've come up with a list that hopefully someone with important decision making clearance will read:
1) This one will be pretty uncomfortable but it might work: Force everyone to drink some kind of nanobot sensor liquid before flying. Something like that goop you have to drink before you go into that machine so that your organs light up.. whatever it's called.. but it will work to either outline nanobots by not lighting them up, or light only the bots up. I actually have no idea how this stuff works, I'm just holding a “What would Phillip K. Dick do?” ball and it's telling me to write these words down.
2) Create a nanobot sensor that can be installed at every airport security check in the world and won't impede the already mega-slow speed it takes to go through security. Hahaha! Funny.
3) Don't fly. Considering that lack of actually useful alternate fuels, the death of personal cars and rise of government funded, public transportation, and advances in superconducting bullet trains, the increasing cost of flight tickets, airplanes will be as outdated as 128MB flash drives.
That's this issue of How Much The Future Will Suck! Have fun living in the past!
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