There Will Be No Flying Cars So Boston Will Have Tons Of Traffic

Been a longtime, but here it goes:

Anyone from not Boston knows the city has awful traffic. People from Boston usually don't realize it. They think it is normal so when they go to other places they drive according to their normal standards, which is the simple explanation of Massholism. Recently, I went back to my home city and my girlfriend had no idea why the traffic was so bad, and why the rotaries were so backed up, and why the roads were covered in potholes, and why the whole general status of road was that horrible, adding ''didn't they spend a lot of money building that tunnel?''

My answer was simple, because I had grown up knowing it: That's the way it is.

But then I started to think about it. In my travels I have never met roads as inhospitable as Boston's. For a moment I wondered why the city's roads are the way they are- then I remembered.

The officials are waiting for flying cars.

This is the important fact that Bostonians have such trouble explaining. Mainly because we are told by our second or third grade teachers in some passing moment and it makes so much sense we kind of just forget.

My hypothesis is that sometime in the 60's, a bunch of drugged-up people-with-power decided to divert funding from road repair and design to the Red Sox, assuming that by the year 2000 there would be flying cars. Obviously, with flying cars there is no need to fix potholes, plow snow, or move the roads around buildings (because flying cars fly over buildings).

It was a grand idea and everyone supported it because Bostonians love nothing more than the Sox. Maybe correct clam chowder and St. Patty's day, but in general the Sox are number one.

So forty years passed and the Big Dig idea got shot down because whoever was stupid enough to think fixing traffic would be worth it opened their eyes and realized flying cars are totally cooler. However, once the year 2000 approached and flying anythings were obviously not going to be happening, city officials freaked out. They actually started the Big Dig and began making signs to teach people how to avoid potholes (yes, they erected signs on the road so that people driving could read them -while driving- and know what to do when encountering a pothole. The answer was NOT bubblebeam even though potholes are ground/rock types. Bubblebeam is not very effective. People were so surprised they completely stopped paying attention to the road and just started crashing everywhere causing even more traffic. Good job city).

I dunno anymore... I just re-read all that. The truth is, I have no point. I'm just really certain that until flying cars are built nothing good will happen to Boston's roads. The officials are freaking out, but flying cars is the only option for them. So they're waiting.. and waiting.. and waiting.. I bet monkeys will take over the world first. Destroying all our advanced technology and electronics. Then, in the monkey steampunk future, in a coastal city called MonkeyBoston, some brilliant little super-chimp will say, ''hey! You know what would be cool, monkey-friends? Flying cars. That way we won't need to fix all these roads that keep breaking.'' But then the world will end. Sorry super-monkeys. No one can have flying cars.